Costco: friend or foe ?

I remember the first time.  

"You've never heard of Costco?" Woody exclaimed as it finally dawned on him that I had been living among primitives (in France). "Come."

The carts were gigantic! Everything was several times larger than normal! Had I shrunk? I felt like Jack in the house of the giant! "

Oh, my God!" I yelled. "Are those marinated artichoke hearts?" 

"Yes," he smiled. "A gallon for $7.95. Would you like some?"

"But," I stuttered, "how is that possible? In Paris an itsdy bitsy microscopic plastic container of these would cost as much." 

"Welcome," Woody said, "to Costco."

At home, I discovered that the jar was not only humungous and inexpensive, it was also quite excellent. I also learned that no human being on earth can eat a gallon of artichoke hearts without some annoying health complications. Thus was I introduced to the paradox of Costco.


 Like the atom, it can be a force for good or for evil. It's all in what you do with it.

And who you are.

Some people, nice, kind, decent citizens, should not be let within a mile of Costco. Why? Because they cannot control their bargain buying instinct. "Twenty packs of bathroom towels! they'll yell. Ten pound tubs of chicken salad!"

The  first  key to success: chose your Costco buyer. Who is the most goal oriented, disciplined person in your entourage? Yes, that's the one. He/she goes; the others stay at home.

Second: always work from a written list. Insist on phone confirmation for any change. Cooler heads will prevail. ("That's wonderful, honey. But what are we going to do with fifty chicken wings?")

Third, learn to spot consistent value. For example, certain fruits and vegetables of excellent quality regularly cost less at Costco. It doesn't matter why. For big savings, take advantage of this.

Fourth, especially in the refrigerated perishable section, practice asking yourself the question, do we really want to eat all that in the next three days?

Fifth, never, EVER send your designated shopper off to do battle hungry. Or angry. Or overly sad. After all, they're only human.

Advanced Costco shopping techniques

Buying in quantity saves money on three conditions:

1) you don't let it rot;

2) you don't feel obliged to eat too much just to get rid of it; and—of course—

3) the price really is cheaper (check, don't trust the store).

Vegetables famously don't keep, so you'll lose money if you buy them in quantity unless you are really making preserves or feeding a lot of people. Meats, on the other hand, freeze well. Chicken breasts and the fleshy part of pork ribs, especially. 

Thou shalt not stress out !

You cook a nice meal, set a lovely table, want everything to be perfect, and what happens? The partner is late, the kids fight, the phone rings, someone's favorite TV show's on, a thoughtless remark about the rice being too sticky—and, suddenly, everything's ruined!! All that hard work for nothing! Nothing! Why do I bother! No-one appreciates it! I'm through! Never again!

The chewing stops.

They all look at you, eyes wide.

Nobody speaks.

It seems you have lost it again.

Is this scene familiar?  (It is to me.)

Here are a few tips to de-stress your family meals for the benefit of all.

For chronic late arrivals, favor dishes which are not time sensitive or, even better, which improve while sitting quietly in a turned-off oven.

If you are doing all the work alone and resenting it, farm out certain tasks. Peeling vegetables, can be done together while talking or watching TV. Children can take turns setting and clearing the table. And, if no help is forthcoming, dinners can be simplified to what you are comfortable with. A hotdog, say.

If the tension is coming from your children—fights over schoolwork, sibling rivalry, picky eating, whatever—there's no miracle solution. But you can try to identify the cause and deal with it away from mealtimes. There's no reason to repeat the same fight night after night.

If a family member criticizes your cooking, offer to share the burden. Not in a snarky way, but for real. Let everyone take a turn preparing dinner. Or at least part of dinner. Who knows, they might discover they like to cook and are good at it. Or maybe that a good meals requires effort which should be appreciated.

In any event, relax. Family meals are not for show. The curtain does not go up. There is no applause. Just, hopefully, a little quiet, pleasant time for you and your loved ones. Whenever and however you all prefer. At the table if possible. In front of the TV if there's no other way.

Thou shalt honor thy mother and thy father

In other words, don't let the TV-commercial drunk kids do your shopping for you. 

Of course they insist on buying radiated sugar crunchies—it has their favorite action figure on the box! 

Your job, as parent, is to be hated and despised for doing the right thing. Just kidding. This said, we're not in the 19th century either so compromise and negotiation are inevitable (ok for radiaactive sugar cruchies for dessert!).

 But remember: who's in control? You're in control!!

Going up against the entire TV junk food diabetes-ADD-and-cancer-inducing-crap-for-kids industry is not easy of course, (and even harder for divorced parents who are competing for affections), and we're not saying steamed broccoli should replace birthday cake, but if you weed out the most dangerous "so-called-food" items, you'll be reducing your child's chances of developing type two diabetes and sugar and additive induced hyperactivity as well as reducing costs.

 That's worth a few "But Jimmy's mom let him eat sugared shit" isn't it?


(photo of Cheetos covered with melted cheese from a school cafeteria, posted on Slow Food USA.)